The Million Dollar Question

I’ve been asked this question on many occasions but my lack of having the answer bothered me a little more this time.

It was a comfortable night in the hippest part of the city and I was on a mission to find the perfect spot to study. I was looking for an outdoor area with sufficient lighting. I ended up across the street from one of my favorite indoor study spots, Barnes and Nobles.

My new gazebo is dreamy. It’s lit up, it has a table and chairs in place, and a water fountain that produces peace. The table is great for holding my books and the water fountain drowns out any unpleasant sounds produced from the surrounding world. It is comfort, centered in a busy part of town. It is motivating. It’s everything I’ve been looking for.

I was deep into my studies when I heard a welcoming voice. A life-long friend of mine saw on social media where I was and decided to stop by on his walk back home. I was surprised and glad to see him as it had been a while. Little did he know, exactly two weeks prior something happened to me and I was struggling extremely bad. I was having nightmares every night and having a really hard time sleeping while dark outside. I had been feeling extremely lonely, tired, and discontent. This incident that happened brought up a demon that haunted me a lot of my life and was driving me insane. The incident made me feel like that lost scared kid again. I once again found myself staring at the ground and crowds brought terror. About three hours earlier, in tears, I opened up to some folks about what I was feeling. But the misery was still lingering inside of me all night.

When I heard “Hey Seth” I knew the voice, but it had been a while. I was happy to have company. I was evenhappier because the company was someone I look up to. After catching up for a minute, my anxiety was still running pretty rapid but there was also some sense of peace. I wasn’t alone. My sick mind then got stuck on the peanut butter crackers that were caked to my teeth. He walked up mid chew, so I didn’t have time to clean it with my water. We talked about work some, his move back to the area, then came the million-dollar question.

“What do you do for fun?”

I didn’t have an answer. I looked down at my book and said, “not shit.” My silent thoughts were along the lines of “all I do is go to school, work, and try to stay sober.” 

I‘ve been asked this “what do you do for fun” question numerous times in the past and didn’t have an answer but this time the words hit me different. I felt ashamed, but at the same time the light bulb went off. It gave me something to think about for the rest of the night.

After I answered him with the crap response of “not shit”, he reminded me that I surfed for fun. He said he was thinking about getting back into it. Him having to remind me that I surf for fun was kind of embarrassing. It also made a couple other things a little clearer to me. One being that I need to start making more time to have fun and two that I need to be more grateful.

It’s easy to get caught up in school, work, service, and other things that aren’t always particularly fun. If I would just add things that I truly enjoy into the routine of these other daily task, getting through the day wouldn’t be such a trudge.

After sitting and thinking, I now have an answer to the million-dollar question and I will never answer it the same…

I go surfing. I read a good book. I go to sporting events. I learn how to play new instruments. I sing like a fool. I go to live shows/concerts. I write. I run. I play sports. I go fishing. I walk my dogs. I eat. Etc.…

There’s a lot of things I find fun but when I’m in a funk, I forget to have fun. When I’m in a funk, it’s probably because I lost my gratitude. I typically lose my gratitude when I decide to take something troublesome on alone. 

 

Note’s to self:

  • Keep adding to the gratitude list.
  • Just because others are sick doesn’t mean you have to carry whatever damage they have caused you.
  • It didn’t happen to you, it just happened. OR If it wasn’t you, it would’ve been someone else.
  • Don’t try to “handle it.”
  • You don’t have to do life alone. 
  • Have fun!

 

Would do you do for fun?

“Shining Through My Tears”

Have you ever doubted your purpose? Have you been trying to beat the depression and escape the deep end of the pool? It’s that little piece of hope and faith that’ll pull you through. Life’s all about being open minded, honest, and willing. It’s about knowing there’s a power greater than yourself. This poem was written on a darkened mind racing night full of self hate and a dash of hope.

Let me show you the good, so I can hide the bad

smile real big so you want see me sad

sometimes I can’t take life, I get so mad

I suffocate, then I remove the bag.

 

I have too much to see to give up just yet

I have to keep breathing, so I catch my breath

I know everything that comes my way is just a test

I pass them one by one and plan to do so with the rest.

 

I’m staying in school and have to finish this degree

even though life’s a struggle and shit don’t come free

we to often try to face too much alone and we lag to get on a knee

God I pray that you please don’t give up on me.

 

There is reasoning behind each and every thing

you just have to figure out what’s worth the pain.

 

Figure it out and that’s what you fight for

the things that aren’t you walk out and shut that door

along the path to success, trust me, you’ll again fall to the floor

that’s when you find it in yourself to fight some more

put back on that smile and never show if your hearts sore

and to keep you lifted up is what friends are for.

 

Love all people and show them respect

the ones that don’t, sooner or later will regret …

 

… Because feeling all alone is no fucking fun

so be nice to others and deliver them some sun.

 

I want a good job, a family, the American Dream

but sometimes I wonder what if that’s not what’s meant for me

until then I’ll keep my head up, in order to see

because I have too much potential to give up in a world with endless possibilities.

 

By: Seth June